Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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