My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
