i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Randomize
