whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
