She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
