I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Randomize
