I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
