I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
