I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
