I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Randomize
