So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
