I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
