Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
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