How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
