apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
