Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
