Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
