so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
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