I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
