Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize
