my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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