Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I am one with the molecules
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
