Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
