i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
