My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize
