I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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