ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
