What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
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