At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Randomize
