its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
