I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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