This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
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You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
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She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
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