Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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