I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
