my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
