Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
