So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
