I feel great
I just peed on a car
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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