All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Randomize
