I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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