the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
