i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
My pussy is not your playground.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
