someone threw a dead crab at me
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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