Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
