I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
time to smoke my breakfast
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
