Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
wanna go halves on a baby?
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
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At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
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I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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