I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
