Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
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Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
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I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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