I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
she told me i tasted like america
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
