your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
