this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
