census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Houston, we have a blender
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
