Your face is a jimmy john
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
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