i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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