My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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