Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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