I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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