My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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