my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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