i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
