The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
